Today, at 6:57 PM, Emrys would have been 3 months old, if he would have been given a chance at life. I think of what we may have been doing. We definitely would not have taken him out. It was over 100 degrees out, and that kind of heat is not good for little ones. I picture how he would have watched me work, thrown a fit when I would have taken him to Juju, or maybe even smirk after pooping on my couch once again. I do know he would have been smiling when I gave him his bath. He loved his baths.
Yesterday, Mikaela picked up the rest of the things we were willing to part with. We even reluctantly gave her the bassinet we wanted to hold on to. We had to let it go. We were forming an unnatural attachment with it. Even the dogs, Isis and Raven, would try to be near the bassinet, and look in as if he were in there.
Raven seemed to know something was up. She was grouchy. She tore into a bag we had diapers we are keeping, and she tried to hide the diapers; she wont destroy anything that belonged to Emrys. Oh and she was mad. She did not want Mikaela there, and let it be known. Emrys was her baby, and she acts like he is still there. Always on alert. Always protective. Always vigilant.
Some how, we got everything into her tiny car, a smart car. And we left immediately after. We cannot be in that house long. We get stuck. We don’t function. It is bad enough that we are barely living, we don’t need to stay there and end up back in that dark place that is so easy to slip into.
Once again, he would be 3 months old today. And just as I say that we need to gain some form of normalcy without the constant reminders of what happened, we pulled into a gas station and were surrounded by an ambulance, a fire truck, and the police. And as is the unfairness in life, one of the first responders was one of the ones who was there, giving his everything to help keep our Tiny Angel alive.
I grabbed my Emory bear and held on tight. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was pounding. I was shaking. The tears wouldn’t stop. And my Juju looked like she had seen a ghost as she sat there holding onto her memory bear. We sat there for over 20 minutes trying to remind ourselves that they do need to get gas so that they can help others. We do not blame them. All those who showed up that night gave their everything to keep our little one alive. I am pretty sure they are hurting too.
We are trying. And we are barely living.
You both will get through this together it isn’t ever going to be easy but you have each other and that’s what matters he will always be there in your heart he was loved very much I know he felt that but now he is at peace in our Lord’s arms he is not hurting he is being well taken care of just know that. I love you guys I’m here no matter what ❤️🥰