Isn’t it crazy how three weeks can define who you are? You don’t realize just how much of an impact something has on you until it is no longer there. Until you feel an enormous empty space that nothing can fill. Until you no longer feel whole. Until you are lost. That is where I am at in this moment. Sitting in the Safe Place, and feeling completely LOST.
You can never tell a complete story without bouncing back and forth between the past and the present, because if you don’t, you may miss significant details, and this story, Emrys’ Story, every detail must be told.
Today, July 26, 2024, makes exactly two months since I gave Emrys his last bath. I remember his smile when I placed him in the water. He absolutely loved bath time. He did not want to get out. If I had known it would be the last, I would have let him enjoy it a little longer. But we needed to get him ready. Something was wrong. We were going to take him to the hospital.
And today, we were back in that house, getting rid of things that we no longer want so that moving will be easier, and preparing more of Emrys’ things for Mikaela to pick up for her little one. And it hurts. As every little thing of his gets packed, the hole in my heart gets bigger. If my pain is this deep, I can only imagine how Juju is feeling. But we DO NOT talk about our pain while in that house anymore. We just go, do what we must to make it easier to move, and we leave. And this time, Juju was ready to leave. We will not go through another incident like last month. I will not lose her.
So as I sit here remembering his sweet little face on that last day, I also remember the promises I made him in the moments when it was just us. And I am LOST.
