(Written on 7/27/20024 through just after midnight 7/28/2024)
Today, just before 2:00 AM, marks the two month anniversary of the most traumatic event of my life. I can still see his beautiful yellowish brown eyes staring deep into mine. I can still see him taking that deep breath. I can still feel him suddenly go lifeless in my arms. And I see myself rapidly initiating the chest compressions and breaths at a ratio of 30:2. And I still don’t know how I did it. How I was able to step out of the shock and let the medical side of me take over in a crisis that is my own. But somehow I did it. I brought him back just long enough for the doctor at the Children’s Hospital to figure out what was wrong. I brought him back long enough to learn that he could have had a much longer life if we had been listened to at the hospital after he was born, and at the pediatric clinic when we took him in with all the symptoms associated with heart conditions in newborns. And I am angry. Angry because while those who did not listen are likely enjoying their Saturday night, My Juju and I are sitting here at the safe place, greiving, and feeling lost. And though we are surrounded by people, we feel so alone.
Today, we got up and we went back to that house to take care of our responsibilities there, and to pick up a package we were expecting. It was a very special package. A package that would bring us comfort in times when we need it most.
Emrys was cremated with his clothing, his protection jewelry, the special blanket Marissa had special ordered for him, a little stuffed lamb Zaire (my adoptive grandson) placeced in his tiny casket, and his casket. No pictures of him were taken at the service; we would not allow them. Yet, somehow, a miracle happened.
Two weeks after Emrys was cremated, I was searching online for a company that would make a memory bear to surprise Juju with at an affordable price. I wasn’t working, and all bills were due. And i found a nonprofit, submitted our story, received a request for date of birth, date of death, length, weight, and if we would be sending the material or if we wanted them to choose. Well, I filled out the form and selected for them to chose the material. We sent a picture of Emrys wrapped in one of his blankets to inspire the volunteer who would make the bear. And a couple of days ago, we received an email stating that the packackge was schedule to arrive on July 27, 2024. Exactly 2 months after Emrys passed away.
Very few people knew that we would be receiving a weighted bear, and there were no pictures.
Before going to that house, I packed a couple of the outfits we kept; outfits that he wore during his last days. We thought we were getting naked bears. So we were going to dress them for comfort. But what we received is unexplainable.
I opened the box. I saw them first. I don’t know if I screamed, but I think the words “Oh My GOD” came out. I was frozen. Tears came. Juju told me to sit, and she closed the box. We had to be seeing things. It couldn't be! BUT IT WAS! They sent two bears; one for each of us. They are made in the same shade of sage green we liked for him. And they are dressed in THE EXACT OUTFIT WE DRESSED HIM IN THE DAY BEFORE HIS SERVICE!
Beautiful ❤️