And so it has happened. I have come face-to-face with a great fear. An I held it in. I kept it together. And I am grateful that it happened close to home, because I don’t think I could have driven further than that.
It is Saturday, October 26, 2024. It is also 1:44 AM. This particular time does not let go of me. Even if I am sleeping, I wake up between now and 2:00 AM. Sleeping medication doesn’t keep it at bay. No matter what, I will wake up.
Anyways, let me get back on track…
Yesterday, I had to see a client for direct therapy. I was supposed to see him early in the afternoon, but experienced delays due to other clients’ needs having to be prioritized due to the severity of their behaviors. I finally got out the door at 3:45 PM, and the location is within 10 minutes of my home, so I didn’t hit crazy traffic. I got there, got updates from the provider, worked with the client, and because he requested it so nicely, I accepted to take a walk with him.
The client wanted to show me a park close to the home. So we walked, and ironically, we crossed through the parking lot of a church. I closed my eyes and whispered his name, “Emrys,” in my heart. I did this again as we crossed on the way back to the home. As we approached, I felt a tingling and a sense of urgency. I wanted to run, but my bag was in there, and it would be rude to leave without a word to the provider. So I took a deep breath, and I walked in.
My eyes immediately went to the car seat on the floor, and the big midnight colored eyes staring up at me. It was a little guy, about two to three months older than Emrys would be right now. And I felt that squeezing in my heart, and that tight knot in my throat, and in my heart I screamed out for help.
Somehow, I managed to get through quick introductions, and a quick update regarding the walk. The provider gave me the look of understanding; a look that assured me I could run if Ineeded to. But those beautiful dark eyes kept staring at me, and I dared.
When I got close, I bent at the waist and started talking to the little guy. His little arms kept reaching towards me. His little legs kicking. And the smiles. He even started to try and wriggle his way out of the car seat. Then I did it. I touched his little foot, and his tiny face lit up. And my heart stopped. And I had to go.
Once in the door to our apartment, I quickly made my way to my room without even saying a word to Juju and Eli. I threw my things on the bed. I grabbed my bear. I sat at my my desk. I held my bear tight. And I cried. I entered that place called BREAKDOWN once again.
