Painful Memories (written the night of 06/26/2024)

I was going to go back in time to talk about the events Leading up to Emrys’ creation, but today is a really hard day. Today marks one month since our final memories with Emrys were made. A few days before his passing, we went to the pediatric clinic. His breathing was rapid and he was grunting; the nurse practitioner said he was getting used to the environment and it would go away in a few days. He had a light blue color around his mouth; she said his lungs are developing, it would go away in a few days. He was having difficulty latching; once again, give him time to learn. His belly was distended; it’s the formula, give it a few days. His feet were swollen; reaction to the formula, give it a few days. He got the second PKU, formula changed, appointment for the following week, and that’s it.

Those were the same answers we got at the hospital he was born at, so we trusted. We continued our established routine of watching his precious little face, feeding him. Cleaning him. Cherishing him. Protecting him. And giving him all the love within us. We thought he was doing ok, until May 26, 2024.

The morning of May 26, 2024, Emrys gave my daughter Juju, a big scare. He cried harder than normal, and appeared to have lost his breath, but recovered quickly. In the afternoon, he got cranky, I was working, so I told Juju to get his little setup, and go rest for a while. She got his horseshoe pillow, little blankets, extra diapers, and a bottle, and laced down. I got Emrys to relax by laying him on my chest and humming. When he fell asleep, I laid him across from me and continued working.

Emrys woke up just after 6:00 PM. He took half his bottle, burped and did not want any more. He laid across my lap and watched as I typed up a behavior support plan. He became cranky again close to 8:00 PM. Juju got the bath ready, and I carried him to the bathroom. As soon as I put him in the water, he began cooing, smiling, and kicking his little feet. He even tried to sink a little deeper into the water. He loved baths. Our little water baby. His lavender baby wash and shampoo, towel, washcloth, and robe are still in the bathroom.

In the room I once called mine, I massaged his little body with lavender lotion, put a diaper on him, and dressed him. He finished his bottle, I burped him, he fell asleep, and I continued working. He woke up closer to 12:00 AM and wasn’t looking so good so Juju and I decided we would take him to his first emergency room visit. I called David, a very close friend, my deceased husband’s best friend, father figure to Juju, and surrogate grandfather to Emrys, to come house sit, and care for the animals. When he got there, I sent Juju to pump, get the car seat, bring a bottle, and get whatever else was needed. By :00 AM on May 27, 2024, David had arrived and was watching me dress and feed Emrys while Juju pumped. Close to 2:00 AM, I remember looking into Emrys’ beautiful eyes and saying, “I know you are an angel, but who are you?” Emrys smiled, and I heard him say, “Gohh…” He took a deep breath and went limp in my arms.

I quickly stood, told David to call 911, sat, placed him on my lap, checked to ensure his tongu was not in the way, and initiated CPR. I remember David was answering questions. I remember my Juju opening the door and screaming My BABY over and over. I remember Emrys gasping, opening his eyes and looking deep into mine each time I gave him a breath. I remember David trying to help me by giving breaths, while I continued the chest compressions. I remember not stopping until the first responders intubated my sweet baby boy and walked out the door with him. I remember hearing his cries in the hospital when they attempted to revive him without success. I remember the shock when the doctor asked us about his heart. I remember the doctor asking us if he could call the coroner for us. I remember the doctor leading us to the room to be with the most beautiful angel I have ever seen. And then it went dark. I couldn’t speak. I was lost. And today, I had to run from that house where the nightmare attacks me day after day.

06/27/2024 (JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT)

JUST GOT A CALL FROM ELI…. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH JUJU…