On June 26, 2024, both Juju and I were restless, and emotions were high. Neither of us had really gotten sleep because it is getting more difficult to do so in this house. I had already made arrangements to go to a safe place, and she said that I could go, but that she needed to stay and confront the situation, and write in her journal. She said that I still needed to go, because I have not had the opportunity to really release what I am feeling. She promised to be safe, and assured me that Eli, her bestie, would remain with her, and that she would call periodically to check in.
At 8:00 PM desperation kicked in. I needed to run. This was the time that on May 26, 2024, I gave Emrys’ what ended up being his last bath. The tears wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t breathe. I needed out. Juju agreed that I needed to get out so that I could feel safe. And she promised that she would be fine. I felt so many emotions that I could not decipher the warning.
I got to my safe place, and sat there in my car, trying to gain some level of control before going inside. When I entered, I informed my. Host that Juju was with her bestie, and that she had assured be that everything would be ok; that uneasy feeling got stronger but I attributed it to the day. I settled and began my blog post about the events that occurred just days before Emrys passed away, how he passed away, and the nightmare we had lived. I finished the post at midnight, and couldn’t post it right away. Eli called, Juju was in trouble.
It was June 27, 2024, and Emrys had taken his last breath in my marks just before 2:00 AM, on this exact day, the month before.
Panic set in quickly. I began to shake. I told my host that we needed to go quickly. I could not lose her too! Not in that moment. Not in that house. AND NOT AT THE SAME TIME EMRYS HAD PASSED AWAY IN MY ARMS JUST A MONTH BEFORE! Time appeared to be frozen, yet we were moving. We arrived at that house and all I could feel was death all around me. Fear gripped me, but I entered that house, and her room where the crib still stands. She was gray, she was fading. I checked her vitals; they were low and I had to act quickly. We could not be there at the time Emrys took his last breath in my arms. I ran to that room, grabbed the medication and made her take it. It took about 20 minutes before it kicked in. We made it out 5 minutes before the nightmare.
We returned to that house somewhat early, because I needed to work. I’m not exactly ready for work, but I don’t exactly have a choice. Everything has been falling apart on me, and no one has realized that I cannot take any more. I hear myself crying out for help, but everyone is too busy in their own heads, dealing with this horribly painful grief. No one sees how destroyed I am. And I feel rage, because it is selfish of them to deal with their grief, plan out futures, plan out my future. I mean, I am right in front of them falling appart and they didn’t even see it. What they see is A VERY STRONG WOMAN THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING AND BE OKAY. Well she broke.
That night, my mind went into that dark void. I gave up. I just couldn’t anymore. I made sure David was here first, so that Juju would not be alone… and then, I received a text saying, “I’m outside.” One person had noticed. And because of that person (to be discussed later), I was able to somewhat get it together, and ensure that Juju and I went to a safe place for the weekend.
