It is September 27, 2024. In about an hour and 45 minutes, it will be four months since Emrys looked straight into my eyes as I asked, “Who are you?” And I received the answer as he took a breath and went limp in my arms. He was the light in my dream. The light I took into my heart. The purest love I have ever known. The pain that drives me to reveal the truth. He will always be OUR DIVINE GIFT.
This week has been a bit difficult. So many memories all at once. Not just of his last days, but of his days in the womb. The days between September 23, 2023 and September 27, 2023 were quite hectic. I had just gotten over COVID and was experiencing severe breathing complications, as well as a nasty stomach virus. Juju hadn’t been feeling well, but since I had brought the nastiness home from work, we didn’t give it a second thought. But her beti Eli did. Those two have this connection that is so powerful they can sense each other. And Eli got the test. And they didn’t think I knew. But I had already asked Juju if she was sure she wasn’t pregnant a week or so before.
Then it happened. I was sitting on my bed trying to study for the big exam and just couldn’t focus. I felt a hint of pain in my heart; it was the pain I felt in my dream, and just as I thought, “It begins now,” Juju knocked on my door.
The moment Juju said, “We have something to tell you,” I responded with, “You fucked up. You’re fucking pregnant, and its a boy.” And I was hurt, but tried to not let it show. I let her hand me the bag she had. There was a card, a onesie, and the pregnancy tests. And my heart hurt so bad. Not because she was pregnant, but because of who the so-called father was. She knew it was his mother that set up my torture. She saw my battered body as Quentin, my son, her brother, carried me out. Yet she was blind. No, he wasn’t, and isn’t, his mother, but when you are raised like that, something is definitely going to stick.
I spent the next couple of days battling my own thoughts. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to love him fully. I knew that Friend’s mother would try and use the little one for her own gains. She manipulates people for money, and if it doesn’t work, she convinces her addict friends to hurt them by making up stories of how she was wronged. I needed to act fast. Friend had to go. I couldn’t allow him to stay and take advantage. I saw it in his eyes. He knew that I would never let Juju and the baby go without, and no matter the stories he told about wanting to be a father, his plan was to just kick back and be entitled. A father with no responsibility. And Juju couldn’t see it.
By September 27, 2023, I had come to accept that Emrys was coming, and that no matter what, I was going to ensure that woman never laid eyes on him. Emrys would not be used. She hurt me, but she would never hurt my daughter. And I started buying clothes for him. Our little guy was coming and I needed to make sure he had everything he would need. And from the very beginning, I told Juju that we couldn’t by too much clothes, because we didn’t want to be left with a lot of things he never got to wear. And that is exactly what happened. We were left with very litttle that he did not get to wear.
