It was three months ago that I called David and asked if he would stop by and stay with the dogs while Juju and I took Emrys to the hospital. Three months since I fed him and put that cute gown on him to make sure he was comfortable while getting checked. Three months since I told Juju to go pump so he would have a fresh bottle ready. Three months since he looked straight into my eyes as I held him, smiled at me, took a deep breath, and went limp.
It is 1:57 AM. Exactly three months. And I see it playing out in my head. The tears are flowing. My chest is tight. I feel like I can’t breath. And it hurts. I feel my heart being torn to shreds. And I am angry. Angry at those who did not listen. Those who should have, and could have. He was showing signs before they released him. We took him to the clinic with symptoms. And no one listened to his heart.
On May 27, 2024, just before 3:00 AM, the attending physician asked us about his heart.
It is now 2:09 AM, three months later, and I sit here writing this, while I’m screaming deep inside. Juju is on the video game with along distance friend who has accompanied her on that headset for many a sleepless night.
We are in our safe place, because in that house, I don’t think we would have come this far. And I am suddenly thinking of a dream I had towards the end of November 2023. There was a person I could not see. He smelt male, but felt female. His touch so soothing. So real. But in the dream, I could not see his face. I woke up with a longing so intense it shattered me to the core. In that moment I knew that I needed him, though I had not met him yet.
And now I am thinking of the shoes. The first pair of shoes I bought for Emrys. I couldn’t help it. When we saw them we just had to get them, even though it would be some time before they would fit him. We even talked about how cute he would look in khaki pants and a flannel, and those shoes. We never got to dress him like that, but I did put them on him. I couldn’t help it. He was in the perfect pose.
It has been THREE MONTHS WITHOUT EMRYS. And the pain does not let go.
